Monday, April 22, 2013

This is where I am right now, and I am surprised

Last night I dreamed that I was with a toddler son who was being very naughty in a restaurant.  The woman sitting next to me complained, so I took the boy out into a hallway and hugged and hugged him, because apparently I love naughty little boys.

Anyway.  I woke up in a melancholy mood, because the dream got at something that's been just below the surface with me awhile, which is this:  I am at loose ends.

I never thought that I defined myself as a mother.  Sure, I had five busy boys, but I was busy with other things, too--teaching, writing, bookselling.  In fact, I used to fantasize about the life I have now--a life where I have room to breathe.

However!  That life had purpose just by its very structure.  I HAD to feed and dress and manage five little people.  It was often boring, but it had to be done, and I knew it, and I did it.  Mostly.  Except for that time all my kids went to the doctor's not wearing underwear.

Right now, though, I feel like a lot of what I do doesn't matter much.  It's weird.  I'm surprised by how very displaced I feel.

I'll figure it out.

But still.


Louise Plummer said...

This is conversation for breakfast.

Kim Woodruff said...

I'm always telling my husband that I wish motherhood came with a syllabus, because I miss going to school when life was full of interesting things that kept me organized and achieving. I guess in about 18 years, I'll have different things to miss. I always love hearing your perspective.

Emily said...

This is a timely perspective for me.

CSIowa said...

My son went to get his flu shot sans briefs. Oh well! I have some years to go before I am in your place, but so far, accounting is my solution to this problem. (Not the underwear one. I don't have a solution for that one.)