Thursday, October 8, 2015

Here's the thing I've learned about dogs that weigh 180 pounds

If they don't want to move, they don't.

They're just all nein, niet, nao, nope, no way Jose.  They ain't moving, no matter what you--a mere slip of a human being with a lot less hair--say or do.

This happened with our big Newfoundland girl, Zora, the other day when I brought her home from the vet.  She just sat in the back of the car and threw me bored glances when I invited her to get out.

"Look," I finally told her.  "Your people jump out of helicopters over the Atlantic Ocean to rescue drowning people all the time.  And YOU won't even jump out of my damn car."

She's heard this so many times that she a) no longer feels shamed by me or b) laughs at my joke.  She just sits there in the car.

Finally, after about 20 minutes of cajoling and bribing and sweet-talking and threatening, I said to my son, "What is the only thing in this world that makes Zora move when she doesn't want to move."  And my son said, "THE VACUUM CLEANER!"

So he went into the house, dragged out our vacuum cleaner, and showed it to Zora.  The sight of my son holding a vacuum cleaner there on the street was enough to make her scramble (sort of) (scrambling is hard when you're the size of Sasquatch) to her paws and get out of the car.

So.  If you ever have trouble getting enormous dogs out of your car, I pass this tip along to you, totally free of charge.

You're welcome!

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Happy birthday, Vashti Louise

Today is my grandmother's birthday.  And even though she's been gone for over twenty years, I find I miss her more and more--maybe because I'm a grandmother myself now.

Right now I am thinking of her "cures" for things.  Like Seabreeze.  Remember Seabreeze?  My grandmother always had a bottle on hand and she would dump it on you and tell you it would make you better.  She also believed that warm Jell-O water was full of restorative properties, and she would make it for you when you were sick.

Here's what else I remember about my grandmother.  Shortly before dying, she planted a perennial garden.  She had that much faith in the future.

Today I am going to buy a cupcake and eat it in her honor.

Love you, Grandma.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Nothing like a good bench-clearing, right?

Which is why I included it in my list of unwritten baseball rules.  The column is already up.  

Column Already Up = Good News on a Monday Morning!

On the other hand, I just received a robocall that greeted me this way:  "Hello, Seniors!"

"Hello Seniors!" = Not Good News on a Monday Morning!

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Holly Goldberg Sloan's new novel

. . . is about an adorable possum.  And it's also full of fun possum facts.  I interview Holly here!

Thursday, October 1, 2015

The Conference Edition, October 2015

I appreciate the opportunity to write for the Trib beyond my weekly column, so if an editor calls with a request, I don't say no.  This time I was asked for another conference column.  I got the idea for this one after watching that three-hour marathonical debate on CNN where basically everybody melted under the lights like that witch in the Wizard of Oz.

Here we go.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

My new motto for living

One of my boys told me that whenever anybody got hurt in our house I'd say "Oh, just rub some dirt on it and get back in the game."

I don't think this is true.  I have no memory of saying anything like that.

But I wish I had.

I actually think this is an awesome approach to life--one I ought to follow myself.  So I'm gonna stitch it on a pillow, put that pillow on my couch, then go outside and rub some dirt on myself.

Monday, September 28, 2015

That which should be banned . . .

Here's the list.  I tried to include everybody's remarks.  If I missed you, I AM SO SORRY.   You can add me to the list of things that should be banned.

Thanks for your suggestions!