I've been thinking about my friend Becky this week, partly because I always think about her, but mostly because her second daughter, the lovely and talented Alexandra ANN, is getting married tomorrow.
Here's the deal. When Becky was alive we talked almost every single day, and so we both had the sense that we lived doubly--I had my own life and I had her life, too. She felt the same about me and mine, as well. So when she died, I lost my friend AND I lost my second life. There were parts of myself that shut down that day, and frankly I've just never recovered them, although in my own defense, I have tried.
I can't help but think how frustrated Becky would be with me about this state of affairs. She and I were alike in many ways, but there were differences, and one of them is that Becky had a talent for inhabiting the present with a fierce, delighted energy. When I spoke at her funeral, I quoted C.S. Lewis who said his mother was one of those people who took to happiness the way some people always find the best seat on the train. I, on the other hand, am always looking for ways to keep my past alive, to make it present long after I should let a thing go. I can practically hear Becky scold me. ANN! DARLIN'! I LOVE YOU BUT YOU GOTTA MOVE ON, BECAUSE I HAVE.
On the other hand, she would be thrilled with her girls who are beautiful and smart and emotionally healthy and very much engaged with the present. They are truly their mother's daughters. Awesome cannot begin to describe them. And their father, too. I do love them all dearly.
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8 comments:
This is beautiful all around.
This is very timely for me. Thank you, this is beautiful.
Oh Ann........how I know this emotion, and how much do I wish it were different for me too? I have told people over and over again, feel like you do until you just don't feel like that any more. It is my way of coping...I can't snap my finger and let fear vanish. I want to take that seat on the train...and I do, eventually...but sometimes I sit in the back and wait. I wait for the right time...to move back up to the best seat on the train. It sounds like you are getting ready to move to another seat. It must be time. You have been wise to let things move in the Lord's time...
I am so glad that Becky's daughters are fine...what a divine blessing.
Love to you my friend..you are the best of people...a true friend.
A beautiful post.
Just...well, so apt. I still hear new songs by artists that my friend Mary Moore Parham and I loved, and I think, "Oh! I have to call Mary Moore and tell her about this!" and then I remember. She's not here to call. It takes me by surprise every time.
xoxo J.
Oh Ann, you know we love you too! We talk about how sometimes when you speak, it's like our mom is speaking. It's perhaps your expression, and the way you use your hands while you speak. She did that a lot. We are lucky to have you around. Thanks for all you do, it was great seeing you at the wedding. You are tres chic, always.
love this post, love you too. xo
Wonderful. Yes, I know, old post, but I'm going through and reading all of the stuff on your blog and getting caught up.
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