Lisa B. asked to see my resolutions for famous people. Here's the piece I did for the desnews this week on the same subject.
Yup. It’s that time of the year when my brother Jimmy and I draw up a list of resolutions we REALLY wish famous people would make. Here you go—the 2009 edition, from our homes to yours.
TIGER WOODS I: I resolve to play “golf” . . . not “the field.”
TIGER WOODS II: I resolve to learn how to apologize . . . in Swedish.
MRS. TIGER I: “Forlat mig.” Ja! That’s how you say it.
MRS. TIGER II: But don’t bother.
MRS. DAVID LETTERMAN: What she said.
JON GOSSELIN I: I resolve never to make anyone look at me wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt in public again.
JON GOSSELIN II: I resolve never to make anyone look at me in public again PERIOD.
BALLOON BOY PARENTS: The next time we think about squandering other people’s time, money, and goodwill, we promise to take ourselves behind the woodshed and give us a good licking.
AL FRANKEN (D-Minnesota): The next time I’m tempted to go all holier-than-thou on the Senate floor, I promise to remind myself I used to play someone named Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live.
SARAH PALIN (R-Alaska): The next time I blow through Salt Lake City with my “I-respect-the-hardworking-people-of-America” routine, I promise NOT to stiff another hardworking hairdresser who resides there.
LEVI JOHNSON: Hey, America! Look at me! Look at me!
BRAD PITT: I resolve to just say NO to nasty facial hair.
CITIZENS OF UTAH: We resolve to just say NO to nasty nuclear waste.
ROD BLAGOJEVICH (D-Illinois): Me + Hair Jokes = Shooting Fish in a Barrel.
LINDSAY LOHAN: Oh, Honey. Where to start?
CARLOS BOOZER: I will not covet an offer from the Miami Heat . . . at least not publicly.
URBAN MEYER I: I resolve to retire from college football.
URBAN MEYER II: Or not!
JAY LENO I: I resolve to retire from television.
JAY LENO II: Or not!
KARDASHIAN SISTERS I: Why are we famous?
KARSHASHIAN SISTERS II: Seriously. WHY are we famous?
MR. AND MRS. SALAHI: Hey, America! Look at us!
TRACY MORGAN: I resolve to keep that Tracy Jordan Crazy Train rolling!
BCS: We resolve to give EVERYONE a fighting chance.
CARRIE PREJEAN: I resolve NOT to make any more home movies.
KANYE WEST: If Taylor Swift wins another award at the VMAs this year, I promise to stay home.
BRET FAVRE: Yo. Whatever it is I’m doing to keep these guns loaded, I’m gonna keep right on doing it.
MADONNA I: Anyubody wanna see MY guns?
MADONNA II: Because these days I am just a one-woman gun show!
CHARLIE SHEEN: I will try to improve myself by becoming as good a person as my TV character in “Two and Half Men.”
HUGH HEFNER: I can’t believe I’m still alive. And still wearing silk pajamas.
LEVI JOHNSON AND MR. AND MRS. SALAHI: COME ON, AMERICA! LOOK AT US! LOOK AT US!
THAT GUY WHO ALWAYS WINS THE HOT DOG EATING CONEST: Dude. I feel sick.