Faux resolutions

Lisa B. asked to see my resolutions for famous people. Here's the piece I did for the desnews this week on the same subject.

Yup. It’s that time of the year when my brother Jimmy and I draw up a list of resolutions we REALLY wish famous people would make. Here you go—the 2009 edition, from our homes to yours.
TIGER WOODS I: I resolve to play “golf” . . . not “the field.”
TIGER WOODS II: I resolve to learn how to apologize . . . in Swedish.
MRS. TIGER I: “Forlat mig.” Ja! That’s how you say it.
MRS. TIGER II: But don’t bother.
MRS. DAVID LETTERMAN: What she said.
JON GOSSELIN I: I resolve never to make anyone look at me wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt in public again.
JON GOSSELIN II: I resolve never to make anyone look at me in public again PERIOD.
BALLOON BOY PARENTS: The next time we think about squandering other people’s time, money, and goodwill, we promise to take ourselves behind the woodshed and give us a good licking.
AL FRANKEN (D-Minnesota): The next time I’m tempted to go all holier-than-thou on the Senate floor, I promise to remind myself I used to play someone named Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live.
SARAH PALIN (R-Alaska): The next time I blow through Salt Lake City with my “I-respect-the-hardworking-people-of-America” routine, I promise NOT to stiff another hardworking hairdresser who resides there.
LEVI JOHNSON: Hey, America! Look at me! Look at me!
BRAD PITT: I resolve to just say NO to nasty facial hair.
CITIZENS OF UTAH: We resolve to just say NO to nasty nuclear waste.
ROD BLAGOJEVICH (D-Illinois): Me + Hair Jokes = Shooting Fish in a Barrel.
LINDSAY LOHAN: Oh, Honey. Where to start?
CARLOS BOOZER: I will not covet an offer from the Miami Heat . . . at least not publicly.
URBAN MEYER I: I resolve to retire from college football.
URBAN MEYER II: Or not!
JAY LENO I: I resolve to retire from television.
JAY LENO II: Or not!
KARDASHIAN SISTERS I: Why are we famous?
KARSHASHIAN SISTERS II: Seriously. WHY are we famous?
MR. AND MRS. SALAHI: Hey, America! Look at us!
TRACY MORGAN: I resolve to keep that Tracy Jordan Crazy Train rolling!
BCS: We resolve to give EVERYONE a fighting chance.
CARRIE PREJEAN: I resolve NOT to make any more home movies.
KANYE WEST: If Taylor Swift wins another award at the VMAs this year, I promise to stay home.
BRET FAVRE: Yo. Whatever it is I’m doing to keep these guns loaded, I’m gonna keep right on doing it.
MADONNA I: Anyubody wanna see MY guns?
MADONNA II: Because these days I am just a one-woman gun show!
CHARLIE SHEEN: I will try to improve myself by becoming as good a person as my TV character in “Two and Half Men.”
HUGH HEFNER: I can’t believe I’m still alive. And still wearing silk pajamas.
LEVI JOHNSON AND MR. AND MRS. SALAHI: COME ON, AMERICA! LOOK AT US! LOOK AT US!
THAT GUY WHO ALWAYS WINS THE HOT DOG EATING CONEST: Dude. I feel sick.

Setting goals for 2010

Over at Throwing Up Words, my funny friends Carol Williams and Ann Dee Ellis have been urging fellow writers to set writing goals. And I enjoyed Louise Plummer's post about resolutions at Five Crows. So now I feel like I oughta set some goals (other than the ones I make every year for famous people) (because making resolutions for other people is so much EASIER than making them for yourself).

Anyway. Here are a few.

1. Read More. I'm kind of shocked by how much I don't read these days, and I want to correct that. To wit, I'll read in the morning because THEN I won't fall asleep.

2. Write (something!) (anything!) M-F.

3. Don't order soda at restaurants (ha!).

4. Think about running a marathon.

5. You'll notice I said "think."

What else? Enjoy friends. Go on dates with Ken. Rehabilitate my right thumb. Call my mother every day. Set limits for myself when it comes to buying more holiday decorations.

Still deciding . . .