Faux resolutions

Lisa B. asked to see my resolutions for famous people. Here's the piece I did for the desnews this week on the same subject.

Yup. It’s that time of the year when my brother Jimmy and I draw up a list of resolutions we REALLY wish famous people would make. Here you go—the 2009 edition, from our homes to yours.
TIGER WOODS I: I resolve to play “golf” . . . not “the field.”
TIGER WOODS II: I resolve to learn how to apologize . . . in Swedish.
MRS. TIGER I: “Forlat mig.” Ja! That’s how you say it.
MRS. TIGER II: But don’t bother.
MRS. DAVID LETTERMAN: What she said.
JON GOSSELIN I: I resolve never to make anyone look at me wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt in public again.
JON GOSSELIN II: I resolve never to make anyone look at me in public again PERIOD.
BALLOON BOY PARENTS: The next time we think about squandering other people’s time, money, and goodwill, we promise to take ourselves behind the woodshed and give us a good licking.
AL FRANKEN (D-Minnesota): The next time I’m tempted to go all holier-than-thou on the Senate floor, I promise to remind myself I used to play someone named Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live.
SARAH PALIN (R-Alaska): The next time I blow through Salt Lake City with my “I-respect-the-hardworking-people-of-America” routine, I promise NOT to stiff another hardworking hairdresser who resides there.
LEVI JOHNSON: Hey, America! Look at me! Look at me!
BRAD PITT: I resolve to just say NO to nasty facial hair.
CITIZENS OF UTAH: We resolve to just say NO to nasty nuclear waste.
ROD BLAGOJEVICH (D-Illinois): Me + Hair Jokes = Shooting Fish in a Barrel.
LINDSAY LOHAN: Oh, Honey. Where to start?
CARLOS BOOZER: I will not covet an offer from the Miami Heat . . . at least not publicly.
URBAN MEYER I: I resolve to retire from college football.
URBAN MEYER II: Or not!
JAY LENO I: I resolve to retire from television.
JAY LENO II: Or not!
KARDASHIAN SISTERS I: Why are we famous?
KARSHASHIAN SISTERS II: Seriously. WHY are we famous?
MR. AND MRS. SALAHI: Hey, America! Look at us!
TRACY MORGAN: I resolve to keep that Tracy Jordan Crazy Train rolling!
BCS: We resolve to give EVERYONE a fighting chance.
CARRIE PREJEAN: I resolve NOT to make any more home movies.
KANYE WEST: If Taylor Swift wins another award at the VMAs this year, I promise to stay home.
BRET FAVRE: Yo. Whatever it is I’m doing to keep these guns loaded, I’m gonna keep right on doing it.
MADONNA I: Anyubody wanna see MY guns?
MADONNA II: Because these days I am just a one-woman gun show!
CHARLIE SHEEN: I will try to improve myself by becoming as good a person as my TV character in “Two and Half Men.”
HUGH HEFNER: I can’t believe I’m still alive. And still wearing silk pajamas.
LEVI JOHNSON AND MR. AND MRS. SALAHI: COME ON, AMERICA! LOOK AT US! LOOK AT US!
THAT GUY WHO ALWAYS WINS THE HOT DOG EATING CONEST: Dude. I feel sick.

Another Monday, another column

So, since my Cadillac of sons, Geoffrey, showed me how to link, I'm going to be doing that a lot more. Here is the link to my column for this week.

Sarah Palin and stripper boots, part two

Wow! I just checked in over at the desnews website to see if my column this morning was getting any hits and yes! It is! In just a few hours there have been over 30 comments posted. For me this is unusual. Usually I only pull in a couple of public comments a week. The difference? I mentioned "Sarah Palin" and "stripper boots" in my piece.

So from now on (I will inform my editors) please mention "Sarah Palin" and "stripper boots" in my headlines, even if my column is about public education. (AS IF! I AM NOT WRITING A PUBLIC EDUCATION-TYPE COLUMN!) But whatever.

On the food front. I just sent the kids out to buy me a chili cheese dog (dude! with onions!) from Der Weinerschnitzel (probably not spelled correctly). I'll have it with a Mexican coke. Meanwhile I will make a crustless quiche with hash brown potatoes for dinner tonight. Throw in a good green salad, some roasted asparagus, a few fresh strawberries, and we'll call the dinner a healthy hit.