Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Writing letters

I finished up a novel and sent it to Lovely Agent Tracey last week, which means I should start another. Only I don't feel like writing a book at the moment. Instead I want to write letters to famous people. Here's what I would write.

Dear Gwynneth Paltrow: Stop hanging out with Madonna. I think she could be a bad influence on you.

Dear Drew Barrymore: What's up with your hair these days anyway?

Dear J-Lo: I just read where you want your nanny to check in with you every thirty minutes and give you an update on the twins.
Dude. Can't you walk across the hall and take a look for yourself?

Dear Candy and Tori Spelling: Quit writing snotty books about each other. It isn't helpful.

Dear Angelina Jolie: Except for the kissing-my-brother-on-the-lips part, I used to want to be you. But now I think you're sorta crazy.

Dear Mel Gibson: I never saw a young man more handsome than you were in THE YEAR OF LIVING DANGEROUSLY. May I say I'm so very sad the years have not been kinder to you?

Dear George Clooney: Stop working for the fug girls and come work for me.

My son Geoffrey gave me a subscription to STAR magazine for my birthday last month. Best. Damn. Present. Ever.


Kerry said...


When I had to do a daily electrostim thing in physical therapy, I'd be in one of those tables with a hole for your face, and I'd be reading my Star magazine under the table. The therapist would always be trying to make conversation with me, but I was always like, "don't you get it?! there is some very serious sh*t going on with Mary Kate and Ashley right now! I need to CONcentrate!"

they never understood.

Ashley Harward said...

Sooooooooo addicted to People.com. I visit it at least 10 times, daily.

Lisa B. said...

You need a stack of postcards and a pen, my dear. These letters must be sent.

Amelia said...

You should try the Heat Magazine... the British take it to a whole new level, beware celebs (pronounced "slebs") who venture into the UK.

Louise Plummer said...

The only magazine I bought on vacation was STAR, which is completely your influence. I thought PEOPLE was trashy but STAR--oh girl--I feel so cheap.

Alec said...

I am glad to see no letters to Jennifer Anniston. Her posse was ready to really mess you up this time.