Friday, April 11, 2014

Losses long ago

A pregnant friend recently lost a baby at the 6-month mark.  It's been devastating for her and for her husband both, and her experience has caused me to revisit the loss of our two sons--one at five months, the other at six.

I was glad to see that there's currently more of an effort on the hospital's part to treat this kind of a loss as a birth and a death, because when you're pregnant--especially when you're that pregnant--you want more than anything for people to acknowledge that this was a child.  This was your child.  This was your child who you made room for in your life.  And when that child is gone before others have had a chance to see him and call him by name and say that he looks like your husband's side of the family, you feel that loss in a special kind of way.  Because to others that baby wasn't particularly real.  Not yet anyway.

But to you he was as real as the heat of sun on your face.


Sarah said...

I feel for them, too.

Mary said...

Having lost a baby boy at 5 months, I appreciate you addressing this. When you lose a baby at that stage you experience a very lonely grief. It is often difficult for people who have not had the same experience to understand that to you this baby was a real child that you planned for, felt growing inside of you, and even loved. But having the pictures and his little blanket, I have proof that he was real. The hospital staff did acknowledge the loss and treated us great, but I remember feeling very hurt at some people's reaction to our loss. And going through something like that makes subsequent pregnancies tortuous, as it is hard to let excitement overcome anxiety. I am expecting right now (4 months along) and can't tell you how many times I have awakened in the middle of the night in a panic, convinced that our baby is no longer alive.

Lisa B. said...

xoxoxoxo to you, and my thoughts are with your friend.

Donna said...

my miscarriages were at a month, 3 months and a few weeks....all meant something to me, and all were so hard. Immediately it is a baby to you, you name it, find a place for it, choose a college...decorate a room. That baby is your family. And when the baby is no more, life changes. I am so happy to have a belief that nothing is lost, no matter what.