Friday, April 11, 2014

Losses long ago

A pregnant friend recently lost a baby at the 6-month mark.  It's been devastating for her and for her husband both, and her experience has caused me to revisit the loss of our two sons--one at five months, the other at six.

I was glad to see that there's currently more of an effort on the hospital's part to treat this kind of a loss as a birth and a death, because when you're pregnant--especially when you're that pregnant--you want more than anything for people to acknowledge that this was a child.  This was your child.  This was your child who you made room for in your life.  And when that child is gone before others have had a chance to see him and call him by name and say that he looks like your husband's side of the family, you feel that loss in a special kind of way.  Because to others that baby wasn't particularly real.  Not yet anyway.

But to you he was as real as the heat of sun on your face.


4 comments:

Sarah said...

I feel for them, too.

Mary said...

Having lost a baby boy at 5 months, I appreciate you addressing this. When you lose a baby at that stage you experience a very lonely grief. It is often difficult for people who have not had the same experience to understand that to you this baby was a real child that you planned for, felt growing inside of you, and even loved. But having the pictures and his little blanket, I have proof that he was real. The hospital staff did acknowledge the loss and treated us great, but I remember feeling very hurt at some people's reaction to our loss. And going through something like that makes subsequent pregnancies tortuous, as it is hard to let excitement overcome anxiety. I am expecting right now (4 months along) and can't tell you how many times I have awakened in the middle of the night in a panic, convinced that our baby is no longer alive.

Lisa B. said...

xoxoxoxo to you, and my thoughts are with your friend.

Donna said...

my miscarriages were at a month, 3 months and a few weeks....all meant something to me, and all were so hard. Immediately it is a baby to you, you name it, find a place for it, choose a college...decorate a room. That baby is your family. And when the baby is no more, life changes. I am so happy to have a belief that nothing is lost, no matter what.