Tuesday, February 16, 2016

How to make a fool of yourself in a public bathroom in 25 easy steps

1.  Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom.
2.  If you happen to be eating at Joe Vera's Mexican restaurant in Provo, remind yourself that the door with the "Jose" sign on it is the Men's Room.
3.  It's not short for "Josie," as in "Josie and the Pussycats."
4.  How many times have you made that mistake?
5.  But that's not the point.
6.  You recently did something else stupid in a public bathroom.
7.  You washed your hands.
8.  (That wasn't the stupid part.)
9.  Then you attempted to dry your hands.
10.  You went to the towel dispenser.
11.  You waved your hands beneath the towel dispenser.
12.  Nothing happened.
13.  You waved your hands again.
14.  You said to the woman emerging from a stall that you hate these automatic towel dispensers because they never work.
15.  Then you remember how your brother Jimmy used to tell his kids that if they didn't graduate for high school, they would have to work behind the walls of public bathrooms and flush toilets for people who believed that the toilets were automatically flushing themselves.
17.  Your brother is a lot like your dad, who used to tell you that the toilets in Winnemucca, NV were magic toilets.
18.  He was  good dad, but it must be said he used to lie to his kids about some things.
19.  But that's another story.
20.  So you wave your hands some more.
21.  Nothing happens.
22.  So then you kind of flap your arms and do a little rain dance, except it's actually a paper towel dispenser dance.
23.  That doesn't work.
24.  And then you see the knob on the side and it hits you.
25.  The paper towel dispenser is manual--not automatic.

See how easy it is to make a fool of yourself in bathrooms all over America?  You're welcome!


Philsy C said...

love it!

Louise Plummer said...

This is pretty much the story of my life. I hate automatic toilets where you wait breathlessly for all your shame to disappear down a hole. Or not.

Lisa B. said...

Joe Vera plays it old school in its towel dispensing.

Megan Goates said...

Is anything magical about Winnemucca, NV?

If you ever want to make a fool of yourself in front of dozens of people, you can do what I did yesterday and take your mentally disabled eleven-year-old to the rec center pool, where after swimming he will strip naked and run for the parking lot. You can also wedge him against the wall and put his bathrobe back on while he screams and people glance at you uncomfortably. Let's hear it for public humiliation.

Emily said...

I went to a fancy restaurant in San Francisco. Fancy! And they had a bathroom attendant who would open the door for you and hand you a towel and stuff and you had to tip him. Yep. It was a him and I did tip him. It was sort of a beautiful experience, if you're into that kind of thing, which I guess I kinda am.