1. Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom.
2. If you happen to be eating at Joe Vera's Mexican restaurant in Provo, remind yourself that the door with the "Jose" sign on it is the Men's Room.
3. It's not short for "Josie," as in "Josie and the Pussycats."
4. How many times have you made that mistake?
5. But that's not the point.
6. You recently did something else stupid in a public bathroom.
7. You washed your hands.
8. (That wasn't the stupid part.)
9. Then you attempted to dry your hands.
10. You went to the towel dispenser.
11. You waved your hands beneath the towel dispenser.
12. Nothing happened.
13. You waved your hands again.
14. You said to the woman emerging from a stall that you hate these automatic towel dispensers because they never work.
15. Then you remember how your brother Jimmy used to tell his kids that if they didn't graduate for high school, they would have to work behind the walls of public bathrooms and flush toilets for people who believed that the toilets were automatically flushing themselves.
17. Your brother is a lot like your dad, who used to tell you that the toilets in Winnemucca, NV were magic toilets.
18. He was good dad, but it must be said he used to lie to his kids about some things.
19. But that's another story.
20. So you wave your hands some more.
21. Nothing happens.
22. So then you kind of flap your arms and do a little rain dance, except it's actually a paper towel dispenser dance.
23. That doesn't work.
24. And then you see the knob on the side and it hits you.
25. The paper towel dispenser is manual--not automatic.
See how easy it is to make a fool of yourself in bathrooms all over America? You're welcome!