what i realized (with one hand) yesterday afternoon

sarah palin bugs me. that's not what i realized, though. i already knew that. whenever i see her on tv i always think dude the only reason america is still listening to you is that you're unbelievably GORGEOUS. it was the same way with princess diana, although i will confess to having owned every single book ever written about princess diana including THE ROYAL FAMILY POP-UP BOOK which i ill-advisedly sold at a yard sale. i miss that book so much--especially the corgis that jumped up and snapped treats out of prince andrew's hand whenever you pulled one of the paper tabs.

Whatever. back to sarah palin. here's what i realized. she and i have something in common. we both write crap on our hands. i write on my hand because i know i won't lose it the way i always lose scraps of paper. maybe it's the same for her. it would suck to lose that paper with all your notes about national fiscal policy on it. i hate it when i lose my national fiscal policy notes.

don't you?

what i watched on tv (with one hand) last night

of course a devotee of celebrity gossip like unto myself would know who the kardashians are, even if that knowledge was extremely limited. mainly i knew that these sisters have long dark hair, that they all date professional athletes, and that their mother married bruce jenner even though he doesn't have a nose due to plastic surgery issues.

hey! i may not have a hand but i do still have a nose, she said proudly!

anyway, i finally watched an episode of their reality tv show out of pure laziness and wow. all i can say is that i feel much dumber this morning.

thanks for that, kardashian sisters!

in medias res

so some days i wear red lipstick. which OF COURSE makes me look EXACTLY like christina aguilera. in fact, there i'll be shopping for produce in the produce section at my smiths. and suddenly people are saying look! it's x-tina! Hey, x-tina! can we have your autograph?

anyway. i started putting on my red lipstick este manana. which is NOT a job that requires two hands. it does, however, require your dominant hand. otherwise, it looks like someone has been coloring outside the lines on your lips.

halfway through i looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and went oh wow. this isn't working.

meanwhile no one looked up from a vegetable bin in smiths and called me x-tina today.

here's another hard thing to do when your fingers are in a cast

flip people off

which i pretty much wanted to do today

but no one would have noticed

and i had to use the other hand to drive

when you have just one hand

putting on panty hose is hard

but then i go JIM ABBOTT PITCHED NINE INNINGS WITH ONE HAND

So then i go stop your damn whining and put on your damn panty hose

you can bet jim abbott wouldn't be whining if he were putting on panty hose