The Writer's Corner (and Also What I Ate Today)

We Interrupt This Principled Discussion Again

2012-01-27T06:50:00.001-07:00

Before we proceed, take a look at this.

Sara Z. provided this link for everyone who feels diminished by what they see on other people's blogs. It's a good reality check. I looked at it last night and suddenly wondered if this Principled Discussion is having the same effect on you, my Cyber Family.

I'm wondering if I've included too many success stories here. I want to make it very, very clear that I'm a muddler. I try and fail and try and fail and fail and fail and try some more, and it all feels incredibly messy. Not only that but I often revert back to that place where I don't take risks, where I don't pursue opportunities, where I don't do the real work. So I just want you to know we're all in this together.

Discussion resumes next week. This won't take long to wrap up. I'm almost out of principles.

Guiding Principle the Seventh

2012-01-26T10:08:00.002-07:00

BE WILLING TO ACCEPT CHANGE.

This is my new (and daily) mantra. I have to say it over and over, because I am notoriously resistant to change. Always have been.

But.

Everything about my professional world is changing--book-selling, publishing, newspapering. I feel like we're in the middle of another Industrial Revolution and no one knows exactly where it's going. I've resisted the digital/electronic thing as much as possible. But I've finally just had to tell myself, "Sweetheart"--I like to call myself Sweetheart for self-esteem purposes--"Sweetheart, the horse is out of the barn. You gotta accept that fact and try to make all this strange new-ness work for you."

So there we are. Check back with me in ten years to see how I did.

Guiding Principle the Sixth

2012-01-25T16:58:00.004-07:00

DO THE REAL WORK.

A lot of people want to write books, and I say yay! But wanting to write one and actually writing one are (sadly) two separate things. I know a writer who has already planned a monster, cross-country book tour, down to that writer's outfit (awesome hats are involved). However . . . there's no manuscript yet.

Writing is often hard work, which is why it's so easy to avoid doing it. But it's doable work. Set realistic daily goals and then carve out the time to achieve them. Right now I'm happy if I can get down 500 words a day. But if I keep this up (and I've said this before here, so forgive me for repeating myself), there will be a book at the end of the tunnel.

Possibly a crappy book.

But that's not the point.

The point is that you gotta make a plan and roll up your sleeves. And then roll your sleeves down again if it's freaking cold in your house. Obv.

Guiding Principle the Fifth

2012-01-24T11:08:00.002-07:00

NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF YOUR AUDIENCE.

I am acquainted with an author who wants to write a novel for young adults. So this individual writes novels with young adults in them. The problem? They're not young adult novels. A teenage character in a book does not automatically equal a young adult novel. The above-mentioned author, however, doesn't realize this, because the above-mentioned author has never read an actual young adult novel.

Which is a problem. OBVIOUSLY.

You have to know who your audience is--what they like, what they expect, what they'll tolerate and what they won't. And then you write for that audience.

Sometimes it helps to write to a single person. I always write my columns for my brother Jimmy. I try to make him laugh. I figure if he laughs, someone else out there might laugh, too. My colleague (such a fancy word!) Robert Kirby at the Trib has said he likes to write columns for his mother-in-law because she was (God rest her soul) easy to offend. And sometimes he likes to (surprise!) get a rise out of folks.

The point is--know who your audience is, know how you want them to respond, and go for it.

We Interrupt This Principled Discussion

2012-01-23T10:44:00.000-07:00

. . . to tell you what I did this morning.

1. I met Lisa B. for breakfast, and
2. I refused to pay for my parking space with a credit card, so I
3. worried a little between bites of sausage and egg whites if
4. Mayor Becker was gonna get on his bike and
5. personally give me a ticket, in which case I
6. would have to explain that I didn't pay for my parking spot
7. because I am totally pissed off about credit card meters
8. for a variety of reasons, one of which is
9. that I can never remember what my stall number is by the time
10. I get to the payment booth, so then I have to
11. walk back to my stall to re-check the number over and over
12. like I have OCD, and also
13. WTH you can't tell if there's any time left over in a parking spot like you can with coins, which
14. makes me even pissier, and yes
15. I hold Mayor Becker and his bicycle personally responsible; the good news
16. is that apparently he got the ANN-IS-PISSED memo, because
17. I didn't get a ticket.
18. And also I had a nice breakfast.
19. Thanks for that, Mayor!

Guiding Principle the Fourth

2012-01-20T15:32:00.002-07:00

DON SAY "NO" TOO QUICKLY.

You may have writing opportunities that don't interest you much, but maybe you should think twice before rejecting them--especially at the beginning of your career.

Okay, so I knew early on I wanted to write YA novels. Still, when an opportunity to be an in-house writer for a bunch of MLM companies all over the company presented itself, I took it, mostly because the money was good and my employer promised to upgrade my computer. Anyhoo. I acquired a fairly valuable skill set while I did this. I learned how to . . .

a. write for a closely defined audience
b. write on a tight deadline
c. write to a set word count

And guess what? I now do those things every time I write a column for the Trib. Thanks for that, MLM companies! And thanks, too, for providing me with material I used later on when I wrote AMAZING GRACIE.

No writing is wasted writing.

Guiding Principle the Third

2012-01-19T12:52:00.003-07:00

BE WILLING TO PURSUE UNEXPECTED OPPORTUNITES.

I think that's awesome advice, don't you? The only problem is I realize I got mixed up and already told you my pursuing-the-unexpected-opportunity-which-led-to-my-writing-for-Utah-Holiday story.

Oops.

So instead I'm going to invite you to come listen to me and Louise Plummer talk about books that turned us into readers at the BRAND! NEW! SPRINGVILLE! LIBRARY! tonight at 7:00.

More tomorrow, kids!

Guiding Principle the Second

2012-01-18T15:49:00.003-07:00

UNDERSTAND THAT SOMETIMES (QUITE OFTEN, ACTUALLY) REJECTION HAS VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH YOU PERSONALLY.

Getting rejected sucks. It sucked when I first started sending out stuff 30 years ago, and it still sucks today. In fact, sometimes it sucks harder. You start to wonder if the game has passed you by, and suddenly you get so sad you start wandering around the house with a forlorn expression on your face while singing "Send in the Clowns."

Still.

The fact is that a lot of great writing doesn't get (immediately) (if ever) picked up because that cliche is true: "doesn't meet our needs at this time."

Also, sometimes you and your innocent little manuscript wander into a larger context that you know nothing about. Example. I used to write scripts for Music and the Spoken Word. I know! I'm a former Sermonette Writer! Anyway, I wrote my scripts for years, submitted them, and collected my paycheck. Occasionally I had to re-write, but usually I nailed it with the Tabernacle folks on the first go around.

And then one day . . .

My scripts started getting rejected. And I had to re-write. Over and over. Also, over.

Okay, I am really not a diva. I am a big fan of re-writing, and I take editorial direction well. But I couldn't understand what was happening, nor did the edits always make sense to me. Then one day I DID figure out what was happening. There'd been a corporate reorganization, and suddenly there were lots of new voices sounding off about my little scripts. And, in fact, my scripts were sometimes battlegrounds where egos clashed and duked it out.

At least I think that's what happened. Maybe I just started writing crappy scripts.

I suspect, however, the rejection on that front didn't always have a ton to do with me personally.

Another day. Another Guiding Principle. Thanks for listening.

Guiding Principle the First

2012-01-17T10:44:00.003-07:00

TAKE RISKS.

For people who want to write, the biggest risk (often) is sending something out. But here's the deal. No one's gonna come hammering on your door, BEGGING you to see that manuscript you're too afraid to share. So put it out there. And while you're at it, put yourself out there.

I am not a natural born networker. I was grotesquely shy when I was younger. And now I'm just (kinda) fat and (thoroughly) lazy. But I do like to remind myself of that time when I forced myself to go to a party where I knew absolutely NO ONE and met the editor of Utah Holiday who (upon discovering that I was from that wasteland, aka in his world as "Utah County") told me to find out about a Junior Great Books controversy brewing in Lehi and write something about it for him.

Which I did.

When I showed up at his office a week later, he was surprised I'd followed through, which was instructive in and of itself. How many of us don't follow up on opportunities? He published the piece, and for a few years thereafter I often had a feature article in the magazine.

Anyhoo. Take risks.

Amen.

But first! This!

2012-01-16T19:42:00.003-07:00

Okay, so Ken had shoulder surgery today, and both of us misunderestimated (thanks, George Bush!) how long all that takes. I am planning to start up the Principles Discussion tomorrow.

Meanwhile, El Ken is comfortable, which is always how I feel when I'm on drugs. (Thanks, drugs!) Also, he is wearing support hose, and all I can say is dude has seriously good-looking legs--trim ankles, nice calves, lovely thighs. It's enough to make a girl jealous.

Tomorrow then!

Seven (plus two!) Guiding Principles

2012-01-15T14:25:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I visited with the Master's Track class at Westminster and shared nine things I've learned over the course of my writing career. I've given a variation of this talk before--also wrote a piece for WRITER'S DIGEST a few years ago based on the talk. Back then, however, I had only learned seven things, but now it's up to nine . . .

Anyhoo! For the next week I'm gonna devote a post-a-day to these principles. Hope you'll tune in.

Empty Nesters, pt. 1

2012-01-12T10:30:00.003-07:00

Here's the dealio about LIFE: you never know how a thing's gonna be until you actually experience that thing. If you have a good imagination, you can figure out part--sometimes even a lot--of it before hand. Still, when you're in the thick of a new experience, some things surprise you.

For instance, I realize I now have to build extra time into any departure strategy from the house, because the dogs need to be let out and also retrieved before I take off. I used to have back up. I could say to Geoff or Q, "Hey, Geoff or Q! Let the dogs out for me, okay?"

But I can't do that now that one of them lives in Provo and the other one lives in Logan.

There's a thing I didn't expect. See what I mean?

Wednesday Stats (with a nod to Lisa B.)

2012-01-11T14:44:00.003-07:00

Over at High Touch Megastore, Lisa B. is fond of posting personal "stats." I am so in love with these entries of hers that I am brazenly stealing the format and using it myself. Thanks for that, Lisa B.!

CONSUMED: Two cans of Dr. Pepper, half a glass of Coke, cocoa, a scrambler with sun-dried tomatoes and artichoke hearts, hash browns, 3 cookies, 3 bites of a Snickers bar

WANT TO CONSUME: Vast amounts of Mexican food

MOOD: Lazy

LISTENED TO: Some generic heavy metal on some new generic heavy metal station on the car radio--was too lazy to change the channel

HEARD: That the Black Keys are coming to town in May--feel too lazy to buy tickets

VISITED WITH: Three of the five sons on the telephone and one of the two cats not on the telephone

CONFERRED WITH: Nicole from Westminster about her Masters Track Program

WROTE: Rough draft of a column wherein I discuss my desire to consume vast amounts of Mexican food in January

WATCHED: More MSNBC than is good for your brain

HOUSEWORK: Not yet

DECISIONS PENDING: Should Ken and I stay in tonight or go eat Mexican

News!

2012-01-09T12:08:00.003-07:00

Just heard from my Viking editor, the lovely Catherine Frank, who said she received her advance copy of SOPHIE'S FISH this weekend. Haven't seen mine yet, but I'm guessing it'll show up in the next day or two.

I'm very excited about this picture book, which hits the shelves on March 15. I dedicated it to Rick Walton, who has inspired and helped so many local writers. And I want to give Linda Bethers, who was in a picture book writing class with me, a big shout out for helping me find my way to the ending.

Yay for whopping fish stories!

I Meant to Set a Few More Goals

2012-01-06T17:15:00.003-07:00

. . . but instead I spent the day running interference for a son passing a kidney stone. He's doing fine tonight, although I have doubts about myself. I knew I was losing it when I wondered aloud where kidney stones originate. (HINT: not the lungs.)

I am looking forward to sitting on my bed in old lady stretchy pants where I can knit and watch TV in comfort. Yay, comfort!

And may I say . . .

2012-01-05T16:31:00.003-07:00

I did love reading all your suggestions about how to make my next Christmas more satisfying. THANK YOU. I want to marry you guys. All of you! Set a date, and let me know.

So I'm gonna be discussing goals this week. I like goals, actually. They give me direction and a yardstick with which to measure my efforts by. (Geez. THAT was an awkward mouthful.)

My number one goal this year is to take a little bit better care of myself mental health-wise. I think I've indicated here that last year turned out to be surprisingly challenging for me, even though so many lovely things happened. Some time last February I got knocked back on my heels and never quite recovered.

So this year I want to be a little more proactive, which means I will . . .

1. Sit under my light box faithfully each morning.
2. Exercise daily.
3. Take the Celexa through March.
4. Do busy--but don't do too busy.
5. Embrace the season, by which I mean to notice and savor the pleasures inherent to a particular time of year.

Ah. Setting goals is just so satisfying.

I resolve

2012-01-04T07:25:00.003-07:00

Yes. I have resolutions this year. And I'll get around to posting those this week. But first I want to deconstruct the holiday that just was.

Yesterday as I was boxing up stuff I said to myself, "Self, I never want to feel this way again after Christmas," i.e. totally GRATEFUL that Christmas is over. It's not that I want to be all "Oh no! Christmas is all over! Now I have to put my head in the oven!" But I do want to feel like I enjoyed the season the way I have in the past.

This year, though, I just felt crushed by it all. Flattened. Steamrollered. Is steamrollered even a word? Or did I just make that up? I felt tired and stressed and so grumpy that I thought if I heard another carol I would rip my ears off my head with my own bare hands. And the music is usually my favorite part of Christmas.

What happened to me? How can I prevent this from happening again? Help me Obiwan Kenobi! Please, help me!

Thoughts, anyone?

(And btw I missed you.)

I didn't mean . . .

2011-12-23T18:00:00.003-07:00

to take an early holiday vay-cay from the internet. But it's been kinda busy here, partly because I've been picking up a few shifts at the bookstore--which brings me to today's observation.

I think December 23rd is the worst day of the year to work retail. People are panicked, of course. HELLO! IT'S THE 23RD! But they're also hopeful enough to believe in Christmas miracles, as in you can get them what they want by the 25th. Even though it's the 23rd.

The 24th, actually, is a a more pleasant day to work. By then shoppers realize they've blown it, and they're just grateful for anything you do to help them out.

Anyhoo. I'm going to officially go on internet vay-cay as of tonight. I'll check in with you again on Monday, January 2. Meanwhile, thank you for making my blogging year so satisfying. Merry Christmas, guys. I pretty much love you.

Last Night's Concert

2011-12-16T12:06:00.004-07:00

So in the end we all thoroughly enjoyed the concert. Lovely music. Lovely lighting. Lovely set design. TRQ behaved herself when the bell ringers showed up. She did have a tiny bone to pick, however, with some of the medieval costuming. Basically TRQ felt like she went to a Mo Tab concert and a production of "Spamelot" with dancing knights broke out.

But as I say it was a wee small (practically invisible!) bone, because you know what? Nothing says "Happy Christmas" like great Mormon Tabernacle Choir music.

And also dancing knights.

Another Reason I Heart The Rodeo Queen

2011-12-15T08:44:00.003-07:00

This is the phone conversation I just had with my mother, hereafter referred to as TRQ.

TRQ: So I guess we're all going to the Tabernacle Choir concert tonight.

ME: Yes. It appears so.

TRQ: What time is it again?

ME: The tickets say we have to be in our seats by 7:30 or else our tickets are invalid. But I misread it, of course, and thought they said if we're not all in our seats by 7:30, they'll turn us into invalids. You know. People who can't walk and stuff.

TRQ: Ugh. That's so late.

ME: Yes. You're right.

TRQ: Well. I just hope they don't have any of those damn bell ringers this time.

I have known that woman for 55 years, people, and this is the first time I've learned that she apparently has issues with bell ringers.

The rumors are true . . .

2011-12-13T06:43:00.005-07:00

I am, in fact, losing my mind due to seasonal overload.

I offer this as evidence: yesterday morning I decided to put my running clothes on over my pajamas, but wait! That's not the weirdest part. In fact, that was the brilliant part. I didn't have to expend a single valuable calorie getting undressed and re-dressed, for one thing. And for another! Layers! I was all toasty warm at 5:30 in the a.m. when I stepped outside.

Here's the weird part. When I came home, I took off my outerwear and then went about my beeswax--gathering up the recycling, watering the Christmas tree, feeding the dogs. Anyhoo. THANKFULLY at some point I noticed that I was still wearing a certain crucial foundation garment on the OUTSIDE of my pajama top, not unlike Wonder Woman.

I was v. glad indeed that none of the kids was around to take a picture and post it on Facebook with a caption like, "When Elderly Mothers Go Around the Bend."

I can't believe I just blogged about this.

Unexpected gifts

2011-12-09T07:14:00.002-07:00

This morning when I look out of my back window, I can see lights on the trees on "N" Street. A few of my neighbors load up their massive evergreens with nests of a thousand little lights, and the result leaves me breathless.

Thank you, "N" Street neighbors!

Seriously, how tender is this?

2011-12-07T18:13:00.003-07:00

My mom (aka "The Rodeo Queen) always gave my kids books for Christmas. And on the inside cover she always wrote a little message. Here's what she wrote inside of THE ESCAPE OF MARVIN THE APE by Cara and Mark Buehner.

"Dear Geoffrey,

"Love you to pieces. You are such a lively little boy. You love all types of gadgets: the phone, the T.V., computers, and any machine seems to challenge you.

"This year you have learned to talk. We love the way you say 'Grandpa LaVell and Grandma Pat.

"We sure had fun at the beach!

Love Grandpa LaVell and Grandma Pat"

She did this for years--wrote a little message about that year's highlights. Such a gift!

R.I.P Jimmer

2011-12-05T16:31:00.003-07:00

Remember how I had that fish Jimmer? And remember how I used to give periodic updates here because no one in my family thought a fish could survive for more than a week at this house what with cats and lackadaisical feeding schedules? And remember how that fish just kept on living? And living and living and etc. living? And how I stopped chronicling all that living because it got boring and I got all cocky?

"Yeah, this fish is gonna live for-freaking-ever," I said to myself. Cockily.

Well. I just walked into the kitchen and saw that poor Jimmer has gone belly-up. He's dead. Dead as a goldfish. At least the kind of goldfish we usually get. Oh, Jimmer, we hardly knew ye. It's true that you lived with us for ten months, which is a long time. It's like maybe a 100 years in Human Time. But still. It's hard to know what fish are thinking when you get right down to it. Also feeling.

Anyway. I wish him well in his next life, whatever that life looks like. Meanwhile, please feel free to sign his guestbook.

R.I.P., Jimmer.

Another Saturday . . .

2011-12-03T15:45:00.001-07:00

Another column!

Writing the same book other people are writing

2011-12-02T15:46:00.003-07:00

Have you ever had that experience?

I've had it a few times. I start a manuscript (sometimes even finish a manuscript) only to discover that someone has barely beaten me to the punch. When I was in grad school, I wrote a picture book about a truly terrible cat whose soft-hearted owner still loves him. Little, Brown asked to see it and then passed. A few years later ROTTEN RALPH by Jack Gantos appeared on the scene. I am not ashamed to say RALPH was much better than my manuscript.

Yesterday I just read a new middle-grade novel called BIGGER THAN A BREAD BOX about a girl who has her wishes granted by a magic breadbox (this sounds dopey, but it's actually a VERY good book). A few years ago I finished a manuscript about a girl whose wishes are granted by a magic diary. My agent didn't like it much and never sent it out, and again I am not ashamed to say BREADBOX is a much better novel.

Still.

I remember Nancy Griffith once said that every morning when she got out of bed, she went to the window to capture whatever song was there before it floated on down to Lyle Lovett's house. At least I think she said Lyle Lovett. But that's not the point. The point is that ideas seem to be OUT THERE, just swirling around, waiting for someone to channel them.

I dibs to be the first published channeler!

Another new goal for 2012

2011-12-01T07:57:00.004-07:00

I've decided I want to be a badass like all those female cops you see on TV these days. It looks kind of fun. Also empowering!

Discuss amongst yourself and then please offer how-to-be-a-badass tips so I can fake it until I make it. Thank you and have a good day.

What Adult Children are Good For

2011-11-30T06:31:00.003-07:00

So I went in for my second post-op visit, all AGOG at how well I can see. Dr. Miller told me that the lenses in my eyeballs are the same lenses used in the Hubble Telescope so then I said, "No wonder I can see Mars from my house."

I know. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I was so proud of myself for making this little joke that I relived the moment by telling it some more. Here. There. Here again. There again. It's like I was my own highlight film. Yay, me!

Anyhoo, when my dad called last night I did my "I can see Mars" shtick, to which Geoffrey, who was taking a bath in the next room, shouted, "DID YOU TELL YOUR DAD THAT'S THE TWENTIETH TIME YOU'VE TOLD THAT JOKE TODAY?"

Okay. Please refer to today's title. I assume you know the answer now.

How to Depress Yourself

2011-11-29T06:46:00.003-07:00

. . . in case you need lessons.

Ken broke out the home movies over the weekend, and here's the thing I noticed most this time around: how badly I've dressed over the years. Of course we always think that about ourselves--look at the hair! look at those shoes!--but at least most of you can take comfort in the fact that everyone else looked the same way and that even though it was the 80's, you were actually pretty cute.

The same cannot be said about me. The unvarnished truth is that at best I was indifferently dressed. At worst, I was aggressively appalling. Part of it, I realized, is that I've always felt HUGE--like a Winnebago in an parking lot full of Mini Coopers. And my response to that was to dress myself in tents--big flow-y flappy shirts and jumpers--apparently in the hopes of camouflaging myself. Also, apparently I was color blind.

But looking back I realize I was never as big as I thought I was. And even if I had been, fitted (nay, even STRETCHY) clothes, would have looked so, so mUCH better than the camping gear I called clothing.

Watching the last 15 minutes of the first SEX AND THE CITY movie on TV yesterday while recovering from eye surgery didn't help. Why didn't I get that gene that made me want to wear expensive shoes and birds on my head, she laments. My mom had it in spades. Did she hog the shoe gene and not leave any of it for me?

A goal for 2012

2011-11-28T11:31:00.002-07:00

I don't know why but I've already been making some goals for the New Year. One of my main goals? To stop overfeeding my Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.

When Holmes came to live with us, there's no denying he was already a little stout. But now he looks like a footstool. A footstool that also sheds.

I am solely to blame for this because when he starts begging, I always cave and go FINE! YOU CAN SHARE MY KFC MASH POTATO BOWL WITH ME. JUST PLEASE PLEAE PLEASE STOP GIVING ME THE BUG EYES.

I have to be strong like Jake and AnnMarie who are very firm with their Cav. That's because Jake and AnnMarie are grownups. And also, apparently, because they don't like to share mash potato bowls.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T06:42:00.003-07:00

The last time I remember seeing stars so bright they burned your eyes was the night we drove home across the Mojave Desert after a disastrous bowl game against Texas A & M. It was a glum little trip, saved only by the vision of a low-slung pearly-pink moon roosting over a nest of brilliant stars (good extended metaphor there, Ann). It was a stunning sight.

That's what I've missed the most, I think. Not being able to see the stars first thing in the morning when I walk with Kathy. And I wondered if after I had the Dread Cataract Surgery, the stars would reappear.

This morning was the first morning I've been out since having my left eye done and guess what. They were there. This is a cause for celebration, people. I HAVE SEEN THE STARS AGAIN and now I can die happy. Although hopefully not soon.

I have the other eye done on Monday. Dr. Miller says Tuesday will be the best day of my life, and I am almost inclined to believe him now. Meanwhile, it's hard to do much reading or writing with just one good eye, so I'm taking off the rest of the week. I'll reappear on Tuesday or so. Until then, be well and well-fed.

Wherein I pitch a possible movie idea

2011-11-18T08:35:00.002-07:00

I told Dylan and Julie they should make a Christmas card that looks like the movie poster EAT! PRAY! LOVE! STARRING JULIA ROBERTS! Only their poster should say EAT! SLEEP! POOP! STARRING ELOISE CANNON!

Really, that's all newborns do. And yet when you're taking care of one, there isn't time for anything else.

Stranger in a strange land

2011-11-17T15:21:00.003-07:00

Over at Good Letters Sara Zarr recently posted a terrific essay about how SCARY nature seemed to her, a city girl, when she first moved to Utah. Although I've historically been a little more outdoorsy than Miss Sara (or "outsidesy" as Alec calls me), I've experienced a taste of what she felt while I've been here in Greenville.

It's . . . different here. The air is thicker, the light hazier, the smells stronger and more exotic. Overhead large birds--are they crows? Because if they are crows they're freakin' HUGE crows--circle and wheel. Meanwhile all the grasses shimmer with movement and unexpected life. What's in there, I wonder. Snakes? Roaches? Things we don't have in Salt Lake? I find myself treading carefully.

But, it must be said, with wonder.

When carrying an umbrella will get you in trouble

2011-11-16T11:42:00.002-07:00

When people think you're carrying an assault weapon instead . . .

Lockdown lifted. Police news conference underway. Gunman actually guilty of carrying an umbrella.

YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP.

(BTW it's good to see ECU has a good emergency response system in place. Props to ECU.)

Lockdown lifted!

2011-11-16T10:57:00.001-07:00

What the header said.

Meanwhile, Dylan will have another good story, right?

Well now here's something you don't expect when you go visit a baby

2011-11-16T10:00:00.002-07:00

Julie and I turned on the TV, only to discover that ECU's campus is on lockdown because a gunman was spotted. Dylan, of course, is on campus. I'm guessing he hasn't gotten a chance to give his presentation yet . . .

Dude moves to North Carolina just in time for a hurricane, an earthquake, and now this. Good times in Greenville.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

Carolina sights

2011-11-15T17:34:00.003-07:00

A milky moon rising from the top of pine trees.
A silvery pond glittering beneath that milky moon.
Cotton balls harvested in the dark.
A baby girl with elfin ears and big wide eyes.

2011-11-12T14:14:00.000-07:00

Obviously, I'm thinking about that new baby!

Sitting in a McDonald's

2011-11-10T12:03:00.003-07:00

. . . here in St. George, availing myself of the free internet. Ken and I are on our way to our niece's wedding in Vegas, which sounds all Elvis-y, doesn't it? We're very happy for this girl. Watching her grow up has been a true joy.

Meanwhile, I had something to say, but I got distracted by the conversation going on in the booth next to me--five old men in baseball caps, drinking coffee and talking passionately about sports. It looks fun, actually. I have the sense they've known each other forever. Played golf together. Lost money to each other.

So in lieu of anything else to say let's all toast old friendships, shall we? And give our best to the bride while we're at it.

An awesome strategy for getting more blog views

2011-11-09T14:50:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I noticed that I had more page views than usual. Like A LOT more. Hundreds more, even. HELLO! Did people think I had suddenly turned into the Pioneer Woman taking pictures of my cows and so forth? So I looked at the traffic sources and discovered that somehow my blog has been linked to a couple of porn sites, which is way funny when you think about it. I can only imagine the shattering disappointment guys trolling for porn must feel when they land here.

Sorry about that, Porn Guys!

The Internet Gods have a very black sense of humor, do they not?

Some thoughts on running

2011-11-08T14:45:00.003-07:00

This morning in Liberty Park I ran REALLY slowly. How slowly did I run? Dude, if I had stood completely still in one place, I would have been running faster than I was this morning.

It was kind of depressing, actually, because NOT TO BRAG but there was a day when I sometimes placed in local road races. The smaller ones, obviously. But still.

Now, though? I am slow. And old. And I seriously did ask myself why I keep at it, now that my chances of ever winning anything have dried up (like a raisin in the sun and so forth). This is not nothing for me. When it comes to sports crap, I am actually pretty competitive and un-easy going. I WANT TROPHIES, DAMMIT!

I guess I'm still running because at some level I must want to. Duh, I know. But in a weird kind of way I own it more for myself now that I'm the only one giving me snaps for getting out there. That's the surprising gift of diminishing capacity, I guess--you value what you have that much more.

Isn't funny

2011-11-07T18:05:00.002-07:00

. . . how you have nothing to do? And then suddenly you have everything to do?

Before Thursday I need to

1. write a column
2. write two chapters for a spec project
3. review a number of picture books for the Inkslinger
4. keep up my Trib fb page
5. judge some Reflections entries for a local elementary school
6. I'm pretty sure I've forgotten something else
7. yeah, I'm certain I have

It's all good stuff. Just wish it didn't all hit at the same time, you know?

Oops!

2011-11-06T21:12:00.001-07:00

Apparently, I didn't link to the column. So let's try it again, shall we?

A column and a thank you

2011-11-06T06:53:00.002-07:00

Here's yesterday's column!

Meanwhile, I want to say THANK YOU to everybody who made yesterday's re-launch event at TKE such a genuinely nice experience. I didn't count on feeling so . . . moved. The atmosphere was charged with kindness and good will. I won't forget that.

Happy Sunday, everyone.

Hey, did you know?

2011-11-04T18:28:00.002-06:00

November, apparently, is National Picture Book Month. So yay for picture books! Over on my fb page for the Trib, I'm gonna be discussing some of my faves, old and new. Please feel free to list some of your favorites here.

Now here's a surprising change in my behavior

2011-11-03T12:58:00.003-06:00

For years I've written about my mother with enthusiastic abandon. My Mother the Rodeo Queen! My Mother the Extreme Worrier! My Mother the College Student! My Mother the Poodle Lover! My Mother the Barber! My Mother the Queen of the Every Changing Hairdo! My Mother the Queen Mother!

And in all those years, it never ONCE occurred to me to check with her, to see if she felt okay about me sharing that story about the time she told me to find my own way down Sardine Canyon after a disastrous game in Logan because I'd criticized her for losing her cool.

I know. The pot calling the kettle an exquisite shade of black there.

I've written about my mother so much because, of course, she's been so central in my life and plus she has this BIG personality, which makes her a great source of material. And in my mind at least, I've always written about her with affection.

So I did (another) column about her this week. And suddenly FOR APPARENTLY THE FIRST TIME EVER, I wondered if she would be okay with it. I even sent her the column to see what she thought. And she was all what? You're asking my permission after decades of this?

Not sure why I've changed on this front. But I have. I am suddenly consumed with guilt for having written about her. Which won't stop me, I'm sure. But there you have it.

Happy happy happy

2011-11-02T08:05:00.003-06:00

Ha! Another granddaughter!

Little Eloise Cannon was born in North Carolina, exactly 2 minutes after midnight, thus ignoring our hopes she would be born on Uncle Phil's November 1 birthday. A mind of her own, apparently. WONDER WHERE SHE GETS THAT FROM!

Congratulations to parents, Dylan and Julie. And also congratulations to Life, for being so awesome.

Funny how . . .

2011-11-01T11:12:00.003-06:00

something that's NOT supposed to be a compliment sometimes turns out to be HA-YOOGE compliment.

Case in point. Two weeks ago I wrote a column about our fabulous Utah authors, and a reader told me that I'm nothing more than an overly enthusiastic eighth-grade reading teacher. I think he meant that to sting (?), but all I could say was THANK YOU, because I love eighth-grade reading teachers. Especially the enthusiastic ones.

Reading (not for children) IN THE GARDEN OF BEASTS today. It's told in real time, so you feel like you're watching Berlin slipping toward its destruction, only Berlin doesn't know it yet. True life horror story.

A stroll down that street known as Halloween Memory Lane

2011-10-31T10:07:00.003-06:00

I had my folks over to celebrate Phil's birthday (Happy Birthday, Phil!), and because Halloween was nigh upon us, I asked what they did for the holiday when they were kids. My mom was vague. "Oh, you know," was pretty much all she said. But my dad told us they used to roam around the Orem bench, knocking over outhouses.

I was intrigued because knocking over outhouses seems like a mythic American activity, something Mark Twain created when he wrote about Huck and Tom. But apparently not. Also, I was a little surprised to learn that there were still outhouses to knock over in Orem in the 30's. Sometime between then and when I was born, people got busy and called the plumber, because I don't remember outhouses in Orem.

"Were you dressed up?" I asked.

The man looked at me like I was an idiot. "No. We just knocked over outhouses."

Meanwhile, I have a Halloween memory of my own in re to him. When we'd come home from trick-or-treating, he checked our bags to "make sure everything was okay." Then he'd steal all our Tootsie Rolls.

Feel free to post a few memories of your own. And have a spook-tacular day.

2011-10-30T18:40:00.002-06:00

Just in time for Halloween!

And meanwhile I promise to blog more faithfully this week.

Re-launch for CHARLOTTE'S ROSE

2011-10-27T13:42:00.002-06:00

Hey, guys, first thanks for your feedback about NaNoWriMo. I very much appreciate it. Not quite sure what I'm gonna do. I did remember that in the middle of the month, I will be blissfully visiting a new granddaughter in North Carolina, so that may influence my decision this year.

(MEMO TO JULIE AND DYLAN: hurry up and have that baby, okay?)

Meanwhile, I'd love to see you at the launch for CHARLOTTE'S ROSE if you're in the area--TKE (15h East and 15th South) on Saturday November 5 at 2:00.

Should be fun. The women at TKE know how to make a party happen!

Just curious

2011-10-25T07:27:00.002-06:00

Have any of you ever participated in NaNoWriMo? What was your experience?

I'm seriously thinking of doing it this year, mostly so I won't feel like this year has been a writing wasteland. I think this is the first year in a long, long, LONG time that I haven't completed anything--the first draft of a novel or even a picture book. I was always getting started. Like a car with a failing battery. A little noise. A little energy. And then . . . nothing.

Maybe NaNoWriMo will help me salvage what has been a discouraging year.

Another Saturday, another column

2011-10-22T22:00:00.001-06:00

Can't believe I've been writing Salt Lake Tribune columns for almost a year now!

Because I always complain about the fall and winter months

2011-10-21T16:42:00.002-06:00

. . . I just want to say what an astonishingly beautiful day it has been today. Light like honey everywhere. Kathy, Sally and I walked down City Creek Canyon and marveled at the layers of color and texture and the way sun crowned the hills all around us.

A golden day, people. One for the journal.

Football, the long view, aging, and life

2011-10-20T09:13:00.004-06:00

So a few yeas ago, my dad was given access to a loge at the stadium, which means after decades of sitting outside, we now watch games from the relative comfort of a crow's nest. And let me tell you, people, it's interesting to watch football from that perspective. When you're sitting in the clouds, you can watch everything unfold, and mostly--even when plays break up and coverages are blown--you're still struck by the precision and the plan of it all.

Last week in Oregon we sat on a second row bleacher where you mostly have a view of a) the guy's head in front of you, b) the cheerleaders, and c) an occasional shot of players' beefy butts and thighs. What strikes you from the second row is how chaotic it all looks. No precision. Just scrambling and grunting and fumbling.

And for some reason this morning, I thought how much aging is like sitting in a loge. You have this broader view about the stuff that's happened. You've seen a lot and you've detached a little, and therefore you can spot patterns, right? On the other hand, when you're in the middle of a thing--a financial crisis, a problem with a child, whatever--it's a lot like sitting on the second row. It all feels like chaos.

I have no idea why I wrote all that just now.

And perhaps I should mention

2011-10-18T09:38:00.002-06:00

. . . the name of the novel is HOW TO SAVE A LIFE.

Launch Party Thursday night at TKE (7:00).

Hooray for Sara Zarr!

2011-10-18T09:36:00.004-06:00

Today is the Official Launch Date for Sara's awesome new young adult novel. I read the ARC of this book a few months ago. It totally blew me away. Loved the story, loved the characters, loved the gorgeous assured writing.

Let's hear it for Sara.

Charlotte's Rose

2011-10-17T11:34:00.003-06:00

I came home from Eugene to discover my contractual copies of CHARLOTTE'S ROSE awaiting me. So, kids, the book will be on shelves soon! And may I say I love the new cover. When Geoff gets back from Eugene, I'll make him throw a graphic up, so you can see what it looks like.

I am truly grateful to the University of Utah Press and Margaret Neville at TKE for making this happen. It's nice to have a book come back, not unlike Lazarus from the tomb.

Meanwhile I think I should mention that Randi gave me a bag of chocolate covered potato chips while we were in Oregon and that they're actually pretty good. It's the whole salt-tastes-surprisingly-good-with-chocolate thing.

Linking exercise

2011-10-16T21:14:00.001-06:00

Well now look at this. Column!

Oh, Eugene

2011-10-15T10:57:00.003-06:00

Eugene is the ultimate contrarian, anti-establishment, stick-it-to-the-man city in the country. Case in point. It's the only town I've visited where the dogs ignore you while the cats run up to you and say PET ME PET ME PET ME PET and also HI!!!!

Had a nice run and met several lovely cats this morning. Off to Corvallis soon.

Hello from Eugene!

2011-10-14T22:25:00.003-06:00

I'm here to see the fabulous granddaughter and also to watch the game in Corvallis where BYU will hopefully not suck.

I also want to mention that today is the 103rd anniversary of the last time the Cubs won the World Series. Like Alec's computer decal says: "Anyone can have an off-century."

Bulb planting considered

2011-10-13T14:34:00.003-06:00

So after the rain earlier this week, I got busy and planted some bulbs (tulip, crocus, grape hyacinth) and the WHOLE TIME I planted I thought to myself, "These won't bloom. How can they possibly bloom? They're so little and you plant them so deep and those shoots have to work REALLY hard to push through the ground, which is like concrete and yeah. These won't bloom."

This is the way I think about things a lot. I used to be optimistic, but now I'm always waiting for things to go south. BECAUSE THEY DO. Or not. But I always think they will. I don't have much faith, as it turns out. I am a surprisingly faith-less human being.

And yet every spring my garden is full of glistening tulips.

Awesome, isn't it?

In the words of Pappy O'Daniel

2011-10-11T14:17:00.003-06:00

"Moral fiber? I INVENTED MORAL FIBER!"

Anyway. The character-building exercise at Snow Springs Elementary in Lehi yesterday went very well. Jody Kyburz and her fellow teachers did an awesome job of preparing the students (who were wonderfully attentive and eager to participate) for an author visit, and consequently, we all got something out of it. I can't remember a better school visit.

Actually, maybe I'll address the topic of school visits today, although I started out thinking about something else, morally fiberally speaking. So here goes.

When I first started making school visits, I didn't demand much because I didn't want to look like a Raging Egomaniac (egomaniac--my grandma used to use that word!) Writer Diva Person. I also felt like it was wrong at some level to take money from a public school. So I was all whatever is fine. Don't pay me. Don't read my books. I'll just show up, do my thing, and turn the lights out for you afterwards.

Then one day the luminous Ivy Ruckman (wonderful Utah writer who paved the way for many other Utah writers) called and said, "Listen, doll. If you charge for your visit, you'll be amazed at how much BETTER the whole thing will be for everybody. Suddenly they'll have a slide projector that works and suddenly the students will have been prepped and suddenly everyone is much more engaged because AN AUTHOR IS VISITING!"

Well. I didn't believe Ivy. I was committed to being a "good person"--the kind who does everything for free. Until one day I showed up to do an event at a junior high school where the teacher wasn't even there. She'd just left me directions in the main office and oh btw would I take roll and could I stay a couple more periods? In other words, I was an unpaid substitute teacher for kids who had no idea who I was and who didn't care.

And so I started to make a few simple demands after that. 1) ask teachers to read or make my books familiar to students, 2) ask teachers to publicize the visit, and 3) ask for a fee, even if it's pretty nominal.

The take-away here? I don't like to fuss much. But it turns out that sometimes people want to fuss. Sometimes people need to fuss. And sometimes all that fussing can be nourishing for all involved.

Who knew?

Off to . . .

2011-10-10T08:35:00.003-06:00

an elementary school in Lehi (yay! Snow Springs!) to talk about my writing process. I think we'll do a character-building exercise. Okay, now that I look at that, I realize it sounds like I'm going out there to help those kids with their characters. You know. Whip 'em into shape. Fill 'em full of moral fiber and so forth.

That's not what I meant. Obviously. Can't remember the last time anyone wanted me to fill 'em full of moral fiber.

However, when I return, I may post the (other) character-building exercise here. It's kind of fun, actually.

Meanwhile, Happy Monday everyone!

Saturday's column

2011-10-09T21:00:00.000-06:00

This column was especially fun to write!

Here's one of those posts in which I really don't have anything to say

2011-10-06T10:15:00.004-06:00

. . . but nonetheless I have something I want to share because it makes me smile.

My dad's birthday is next week, so he's on my mind. Geoff and I were talking about him last night, and both of us agreed you gotta love a guy who always calls cities by their nicknames. Philly. Vegas. L.A. Frisco. Cincy.

Dude is an honorary member of the Rat Pack, apparently.

More TV Talk

2011-10-05T09:24:00.003-06:00

So we're into the fall season a few weeks now, and I'm still trying on a few new shows to see if they fit. So far . . . I don't know. Watched THE NEW GIRL last night for the first time and think Zooey Deschanel is pretty cute, although she does make me hold my breath for fear that she'll morph into Meg Ryan right before my very eyes. I'm also a person who's interested in PERSON OF INTEREST (hahaha!) although I never really know what's going on due to knitting and eating and talking on the phone while watching.

I think the one I like the best so far is (guilty pleasure time!) REVENGE. Because you know what? It's fun watching rich, good-looking people suffer for their crime of being both richer and better looking than I am. Awesome!

Your thoughts on shows new and old?

Trade show musings

2011-10-03T09:23:00.003-06:00

Good thing I don't write my own headlines, because who would want to read a piece called "Trade Show Musings"? But whatever.

I'm glad I went to the Denver show for all kinds of reasons, one of which is that I had a really nice time with Anne and Jenny from TKE. And Shannon Hale was beyond entertaining at the literacy banquet. Thanks for that, you guys!

Here's another reason I'm happy I went. I had a chance to readjust my perspective. See, writing is a really solitary experience. You're alone a lot. And when you're alone a lot you start thinking you're the center of the universe (a little) and therefore (you start thinking) it's just not FAIR that your manuscript WHICH IS YOUR BABY isn't getting published or that your book isn't getting all kinds of crazy attention.

However when you go to a booksellers' trade show, what you realize is that there are a LOT of books out there. Tables and tables and tables and miles and tables of them. Not only that, but they're all fall books. Most of them will have been sent back to the publisher by spring to be replaced by more tables and tables and tables and miles and tables.

Does this depress you? Curiously, it has the opposite effect on me. What it makes me realize is that a lot of us have the same dream, a lot of us are working hard, a lot of us are good at what we do. We're in it together. Not getting noticed all the time does not equate with sucking.

Don't you feel better now? Because I do.

Well, they just keep showing up

2011-10-03T08:31:00.000-06:00

Columns that is!

I did love

2011-09-29T20:24:00.004-06:00

. . . your responses to the Gratitude Journal post. Thank you, thank you, and also I love you.

I'm off to Denver tomorrow morning for a few days to participate in the Mountains and Plains booksellers trade show. The University of Utah Press is republishing CHARLOTTE'S ROSE, and so I'll be at the booth, doing a little promotion dance. I'll also be hanging out with Anne and Jenny from TKE, and it will be good times.

Truthfully, I'm so glad Charlotte gets a second chance. It's a book I'm really proud of, probably because it was just soooooo hard to write. Historical fiction is hard to write, you guys. YOU HAVE TO DO RESEARCH AND STUFF, which is v. exhausting for a lazy writer like me.

I'll be back on Monday. Enjoy the weekend.

Gratitude Journal

2011-09-28T07:04:00.003-06:00

My son Geoff has been feeling kind of down lately, so I told him that as cheesy as it sounds, keeping a gratitude journal can be helpful, because the act of noticing the good things in your life helps rewire your outlook. So I bought him a notebook--a small one, though. And I told him I bought him a small one on purpose, because actually he doesn't have that much to be grateful for.

But whatever.

I'm a little down in the mouth, too, so I thought I'd start off my morning by listing a few of the things I'm grateful for. Thanks for indulging me.

1. Indians summers
2. Fresh peaches
3. Late roses
4. Neighbors who go to late night movies with us
5. Dogs
6. Even though the big one drools
7. The knowledge that there's always another good mystery to read
8. Warm days
9. My boys
10. Their father

Another Saturday!

2011-09-24T16:34:00.001-06:00

Another column!

A phone thang

2011-09-23T15:59:00.002-06:00

I noticed today that whenever the phone rings I start shouting I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! I immediately go into this crazy five-alarm-I'm-gonna-save-that-damn-house-from-burning-down-to-the-ground mode because you know how it is. That phone call is JUST SO IMPORTANT!

And besides I'm doing everyone a favor. I'm answering the phone so no one else in this house has to.

But here's the deal, which deal I just realized today when I nearly broke my neck getting to the phone whilst tripping over dogs and pillows. Here goes: I'm not doing anyone a favor because absolutely no one else who lives here bothers with the phone now. They're just all hey call me on my cell if you really want to chat.

Insight.

TV TV TV

2011-09-22T15:51:00.004-06:00

Well, GAME ON is all I can say when it comes to Television Viewing right now. It's good to have TV friends back in the house.

In review--

Castle was okay. Obviously we all knew Kate wasn't going to die. We also knew Castle would declare his lurve. We probably also knew this would drive Kate to do a runner--which, okay. I get that a series thrives on sexual tension. I get that it's hard to make it last for SEASON AFTER SEASON AFTER SEASON. I get we're usually disappointed in the end when "it" happens (to wit: Sam and Diane, Maddie and David, Remington Steele and what's her name, Daphne and Niles).

Well, okay. Maybe not Daphne and Niles. Actually, I think we all had a hard time buying Daphne and Niles EVEN THOUGH I LOVED THEM BOTH.

But whatever. I'm starting to find Kate's inner wall thing kind of tedioso.

Didn't get to watch HAWAII 5-0, which is one of those shows where the actors bring more to the roles than the writing deserves. But whatever. The theme music is awesome. The scenery isn't half- bad.

Didn't get to watch any of the NCISs.

Did watch both Modern Family episodes last night and was not disappointed. (I'm waiting for it to turn into The Office, which I loved. Until I didn't.)

ALSO. Did watch Revenge by accident and oh people. I will be watching it again.

Tonight? I'll be turning into the Mentalist and Person of Interest starring that creepy guy from LOST and also the not creepy guy who played Jesus. Am popping the popcorn now.

Now there's a thought

2011-09-21T08:49:00.003-06:00

So Ken and I always buy this knock-off Cetaphil product for skin-washing purposes, and right there on the front it says it's "non-comedogenic." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN IN REAL LIFE? Because, of course, in that fake life I'm always having in my head, it means "this skin cleanser is NOT hilarious." Which is sad. You should have plenty of stuff lying around the bathroom that makes you laugh, right?

Fun with tunes

2011-09-20T11:16:00.002-06:00

So my kids load up my iPod with stuff, and it's always fun to get little listening surprises because of it. Q loaded some James Brown on there, and I have fun predicting what the next line of a song will be, even if I've never heard it before. Like this morning, I heard this line:

I don't care about your past
I just want . . . .

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! How do you think that line is gonna end?

That game

2011-09-19T07:39:00.003-06:00

Anyway my parents, my brothers, our spouses and I got together for the game Saturday.

I know.

Sometime during the third quarter I finally said, "Well, the good news is that my neighbor is dead." This was met with a second big helping of stunned silence--the first helping, of course, being the epic implosion of the boys in blue. So I had to explain that while I loved this neighbor and still miss him, especially at Christmas when he dressed up like Santa Claus and delivered jolly gifts to everyone, he totally brought the crazy when it came to loving the Utes. And when they beat us, he let me have it. Over and over and over. So it was like getting beat up twice by the Utes.

Oh, Old Neighbor. I wish with all my heart you still lived around the corner from me. But okay. I'm so so happy you weren't in church yesterday.

Well, lookee here!

2011-09-17T06:28:00.000-06:00

Another column!

So far

2011-09-16T08:10:00.004-06:00

It's only 8:10 in the morning but so far it has been an awesome day. I offer this list as evidence.

1. The moon made the pond in Liberty Park all sparkly
2. It was good times on our morning walk
3. I still have fresh peaches to eat
4. I stopped and viewed gardens belonging to Heather, Maja, Gisela and AnnMarie
5. A partial rainbow showed up over the west desert just for the hell of it
6. I am already on my second Dr. Pepper

It'll probably all go down hill from here as life often does. BUT! Wow. What a beautiful day!

Sales clerks who intimidate

2011-09-15T14:15:00.003-06:00

My mother told a funny story over lunch today about how she went to a yarn store recently to buy a stitch counter. She knew what she wanted, but she allowed the clerk to talk her into one she didn't want. So she waited until a day when he wasn't working so she could return it, because dude. She was kind of afraid of him and his forceful opinions about stitch counters.

My sister-in-law and I grabbed the table edges and GASPED because we have both been there--intimidated, nay BULLIED by sales clerks.

How can this be? Grownup, independent women cowed by clerks. Who knew?

Celebrity Peaches

2011-09-14T20:40:00.003-06:00

Well, the peaches are on, and you know how much I LOVE fresh peaches. Or maybe you don't. But I do! So so so so much.

About the only person in the entire world who likes peaches as much as I do is my funny friend Sally, who went looking for peaches at the Bountiful Farmers' Market the other day. She met a vendor there who told her his peaches were so good that actual celebrities buy them.

Which celebrities, Sally asked him. She was hoping the answer would be "Jude Law." But it turned out the answer was "President Monson."

Okay. This story made me laugh.

Another Item to Add to the List

2011-09-13T08:27:00.002-06:00

Now that I'm old, I have a list called "Behaviors to Avoid When I Get Even Older." I added another item yesterday.

I was taking Zora to the vet to get groomed (she looks like a poodle now btw--a big massive mutant poodle capable of invading Earth's major cities in a 50's Japanese horror movie) when I saw an elderly man standing on the street corner with his wife, flossing his teeth.

Okay. I am a MAJOR fan of excellent oral hygiene. Oral hygiene for all, I say! It's sort of a rallying cry for me--so much so that for years the only thing our parrot said whenever one of our boys walked through the kitchen was DID YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH YET? But flossing in public is a big old NICHT.

Even if it's sweet the way you and your wife were standing there together on the street corner, being 85 years old.

Speaking of TV . . .

2011-09-12T20:21:00.003-06:00

Son and I just had a Modern Family moment. Remember that episode where Claire goes nuts because Phil listens to everybody's suggestions (wedge salad! The Book Thief!) except for Claire's who also recommended wedge salad! The Book Thief!?

Well . . .

Son just called to say HE recommended Castle to me a long, long, long time ago, but perhaps I didn't pay attention until Mystery girl recommended it. And OF COURSE I would listen to Mystery Girl before I listened to him, because that's how families are--engaged in all kinds of non-listening.

Dear Son, I listen to you. Example: when it comes to shortcut advice, I listen to you. Not your father.

Case closed.

TV watching

2011-09-12T14:51:00.002-06:00

Last week Lisa B. posted a nice bit about her TV watching regimen over at HTMS, and I now feel inspired to do the same. With the approaching TWILIGHT OF THE GODS WHEREIN EVERYBODY INCLUDING THOR AND ODIN DIE (otherwise known as the winter months), I need something to look forward to. Like programs! Here goes.

Monday: Thanks to Mystery Girl, I now watch Castle regularly and I like it. And then when it's fall I watch football until I kind of slump over in my seat and drool. Yay for slumping and drooling!

Tuesday: While I don't LOVE these shows, I watch the NCISs. I like the real one better than the fake L.A. one, but whatever. And then it's all about The Good Wife, which SADLY is moving to Sunday night. Dear Good Wife, first you leave your low-down cheating husband (who, nonetheless, is kind of sexy) and then you leave your Tuesday night slot. I can't take it. This will seriously interfere with my Sunday night football-related slumping and drooling. And no. I don't do DVR.

Wednesday: Modern Family. Love it so much. Especially Gloria. I hope the show stays good. Sometimes shows you love enough to marry don't stay good, I've noticed. And then you have to get a divorce.

Thursday: Really a great night, right? Among other things I watch Community, a little Parks and Recreation, some 30 Rock and The Mentalist because Ken likes it. I don't know how they're going to move forward with THAT one, however, as Jane pretty much gunned down Red John in a food court in last season's finale, thereby ruining lunch for a lot of innocent people.

Friday: Well. By Friday I don't watch TV unless there's a game on.

Saturday and Sunday: Guess what I'm doing.

Okay. I feel like I have something to look forward to, which is awesome. Thanks for listening.

Remembering

2011-09-09T06:21:00.008-06:00

Actually, I've been trying hard not to watch/read anything about 9/11 because after all these years I still find the images and stories far too searing. However, I didn't feel like I could just give the subject a miss in my column this week. So here's what I wrote.

The paper decided to throw it up online early in order not to inundate readers with too many 9/11 stories all at once. So here we go.

The column.

Jupiter in the sky with diamonds

2011-09-08T08:17:00.002-06:00

This morning as Kathy and I were walking up South Temple (in the dark), we passed our friend Dave walking his dog Molly. Dave pointed at the sky and said, "Look! It's Jupiter!" And there it was--hanging like a fat star on the inky horizon. So the three of us (and also Molly) stood and marveled for a moment in silence.

I don't know why things like this touch me so, but they do--to think you can stand on a city sidewalk and see another planet shining! It makes you feel like a part of something bigger.

Ten Things I Hate to Do

2011-09-07T17:52:00.003-06:00

1. Go to Costco.
2. Go to Costco.
3. Go to Costco.
4. Go to Costco.
5. Go to Costco.
6. Go to Costco.
7. Go to Costco.
8. Go to Costco.
9. Go to Costco.
10.Go to Costco.

Obviously, I went to Costco today. Hopefully Q. appreciates that six-pack of soy milk I bought for him . . .

Anxiety Dream #1011

2011-09-06T06:29:00.002-06:00

So last night I dreamed I was sitting in Sacrament meeting, listening to one of my kids (it wasn't clear which one) (also, he was young again) give a talk I'd written out for him. Halfway through the talk, my kid says from the pulpit, "Mom, I can't read your handwriting any more."

At that point I stand up and explain to the congregation what I'd written--something about how I'd been a cheerleader once, because don't you know that's relevant spiritual information. And then, since I had the floor, I decided to tell a little joke.

Only no one laughed.

And even though I have been awake for nearly two hours now, I am still mortified for having bombed at church.

Labor Day Activity!

2011-09-05T10:14:00.003-06:00

Early this morning Ken, Q, and I hiked up to Doughnut Falls in Big Cottonwood Canyon. It was a nice hike--v. refreshing and lovely. But mostly it made me want to spend the rest of the day . . . eating doughnuts.

So that's what I have on my Labor Day agenda.

Hope your holiday is a pleasant one.

Oops

2011-09-02T15:44:00.001-06:00

Let's try it again, shall we?

Column!

Column!

2011-09-02T15:42:00.002-06:00

Wow. I've just been a big ole blogging fool today. But I want to get this up before I give myself over to the Labor Day Festivities.

As if.

Have a good weekend, guys.

Why I Don't Delete My FB Account

2011-09-02T14:14:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I think about deleting my FB account so I won't get sucked into the ether vortex any more than I already do. But frankly I like to stalk my children there, and sometimes I am rewarded for my efforts. To wit: a former neighbor--very lovely man with unfortunate taste in teams--posted that he was happy about the U's victory last night. Well! Low and behold! Look what he let himself in for!

Geoff Cannon ‎27-10 against an FCS team is grounds for a nice game these days? I thought the U was a Pac 12 team?
16 hours ago · Unlike · 2 people

Alec Cannon I thought Utah's fake punt while up 24-0 against an FCS team was really well executed.
14 hours ago · Unlike · 1 person

Dylan Cannon Hey, Utah did what only 3 FCS teams did last year! Give them some credit. And, Ted, I'll take the Phil Dunphy quote, so I give thumbs down to Utah but thumbs up to you
7 hours ago · Unlike · 2 people

Geoff Cannon Face it, Holt. You'll be taking abuse for Cannons all. day. long.
6 hours ago · Unlike · 2 people

Ann Cannon I'd like to point out I'M the one who made the above comment. I didn't realize I was on Geoff's fb account. Although I think I'll push the like button on my own brilliant comment.
6 hours ago · Unlike · 2 people

Ann Cannon Yeah. I meant FROM Cannons.
5 hours ago · Unlike · 2 people

(Name of neighbor redacted to protect his privacy and also to shield him from the consequences of the above-mentioned unfortunate tastes): I should have known I was opening up a can of Cannons with my comment. You're all just racist...or Uteist...I can't figure out which one. I, on the other hand don't see color, just BCS bowl wins and championships after 1984.
4 hours ago · Like

Alec Cannon I sometimes forget about those BCS wins. They get lost in all of those 3rd and 4th place finishes in the MWC. But I am sure you'll get tons of PAC-12 championships.
4 hours ago · Like

Alec Cannon Because Air Force and New Mexico aren't in the PAC-12 to beat you guys.
3 hours ago · Like · 1 person

Everyone Sing

2011-09-02T08:46:00.001-06:00

Happy Birthday to Queen Donna.

Whenever I start thinking the internet has ruined civilization as we know it, I remember Donna and how we would have never met without it.

Thank you, Al Gore.

A food post

2011-09-01T22:31:00.004-06:00

So Sara Z and I met today for a work meeting at a little chez on First. But instead of working she drank coffee and I drank Dr. Pepper. Then we talked about the chocolate covered Oreos (in milk or dark!) at Hatch's on Eighth. And then, because we were tired from all that talking about Oreos, we decided to call it a day and take naps, so she drove to her house and I drove to mine where I had a nap.

But not until I went to Hatch's and ate Oreos first.

Now that's a sentence (or two)

2011-08-31T22:05:00.002-06:00

Do you ever run across a sentence or a passage that makes you sit up in your seat and go damn! I wish I'd written that!

That's how I felt tonight at the bookstore when I read a New York Times Book Review piece written by Stephen King about a new novel called THE LEFTOVERS. The novel, which I haven't read, is set in a post-Rapture world, which gave rise to this riff by King: "For those of you who wasted the spring of 2011 following less substantive stories--tornadoes, nuclear meltdowns, unrest in the Mideast, the further adventures of Snooki--[Harold] Camping is a preacher with an apocalyptic worldview, moderately hilarious dentures and strong ideas about the biblical prophecy known as the rapture."

The phrase "moderately hilarious dentures"? It is genius, people.

Park sightings

2011-08-30T07:37:00.003-06:00

This morning while I was running, I saw a man I often see--a short, square (actually stocky is a better word) Latino man wearing a pair of tight jeans, a zip-up windbreaker and an adjustable golf hat which seems like a sensible outfit if you're going to a football game in November. But here's the deal, this guy runs in that outfit. And he doesn't just run. Dude totally books it. Like, he has little clouds of speediness trailing him as he roars around the park. He's my favorite sighting.

Of course it must be said that I've turned into a sighting, too, because sometimes I rip off my shoes and run barefoot. I know. This information makes some people want to throw up in their mouths a little. Running barefoot? In a public park? But you guys, it feels awesome.

It feels like being a kid again.

Falling trees and other hazards

2011-08-29T10:19:00.003-06:00

Dylan was going into the second grade when we moved to Tuxedo Park, New York, a place populated with huge trees and old stone houses. I mention the part about huge trees and old stone houses, because both of them figure into this little story.

I was inside our OLD STONE HOUSE (see? I told you) when Dylan rushed inside to say A HUGE TREE had almost fallen on top of him. I kind of said yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what huge trees do--they just jump out of the ground and purposely fall on second graders who CLEARLY FEEL LIKE THEY'RE NOT GETTING ATTENTION FROM FRAZZLED MOMS WHO JUST UNPACKED A BIG OLD U-HAUL AFTER DRIVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY WITH FIVE KIDS AND THREE DOGS.

So I ignored him and went about my business, and later when I went outside, I realized I couldn't back out of the driveway because there was a 100-foot tree that had fallen (TIMBER!) across the road and landed squarely on our property. Where, apparently, my little boy had been standing, all slack-jawed with amazement.

That's why I was interested in a picture he and Julie sent me after Hurricane Irene. Guess what fell down near their house?

I know. My son the Tree Magnet.

And now for another column

2011-08-26T22:43:00.001-06:00

THIS ONE IS ABOUT HOW I APPARENTLY SHOUT WHEN I'M ON MY CELLPHONE!

Weight Watchers

2011-08-26T14:05:00.002-06:00

So Phil and I have been going to Weight Watchers. He wants to lose some, and while I would also like to lose some, I mostly don't want to gain some. Psychologically I'm in that place right now where I just want to go BRING ME A TROUGH OF MEXICAN FOOD RIGHT NOW SO I CAN PLANT MY FACE IN IT AND EAT UNTIL I'M DEAD.

You know how it goes.

Anyway. We had weigh-in this morning, and I was worried I would be over my limit, which means I'd have to pay money--even if I was like an ounce and a small breath of air over my target weight. So before I left the house, I honestly took off all the clothes I could w/o being absolutely nude. I tried to be as lean as possible. Like, I would have cut all my hair off and pulled out some molars and amputated a limb, too, if I'd had time. Also, I didn't eat or drink anything, even though I ran four miles before weigh-in, which meant I was so weak I had to crawl through the Weight Watchers door on my belly. Like G.I. Joe.

But! It worked! I was RIGHT ON THE FREAKING MONEY. So yeah. I'm glad I didn't cut a leg off this morning. That would have sucked.

Yeah, I'm old like that

2011-08-25T10:59:00.003-06:00

You know how old people always go, "Well, back in MY day"? I had that kind of moment when Al was out here visiting this summer. We were talking about how the Obama campaign has decided to go after Romney by making him look weird (I heard this on MSNBC so it must true, okay?). Specifically, they're gonna bring up the fact that the Romneys used to put the dog carrier (with the dog inside) on top of the family car whenever they went on trips. (Discuss amongst yourselves--on a Weirdness Scale from 1-10, how weird is this really? I will say when I was a kid I would have much rather been in a dog carrier on top of the car then in the back seat with my brother, John, who put his scary bare feet all over me for torture purposes.)

Anyway. Al and I--animal lovers both--discussed how some people are a leetle crazy when it comes to their pets. Then I went on to say and YEAH, some people are also a leetle crazy when it comes to their kids, too. Like, they don't let their kids go outside unless they're wearing goggles and helmets and have 911 on speed dial and so forth. What's wrong with parents these days?

What I didn't notice is that I was the only one having this conversation. Finally, Al said, something like oh RIGHT, Mom, it's a really bad idea for parents to protect their children, isn't it?

Okay. Point well-taken.

Meanwhile, Al and his adorable wife Randi write a very funny blogthemselves. I especially love the Skymall post, and I sprayed Dr. Pepper through my nose when I read about "Wunchiesville."